Why the Absence of Others Don't Matter

At times we catch ourselves upset with people because they couldn’t be there for us. We cut them off, criticize them, and even call them out for it. As I’ve grown older I realized that people don’t show up for two reasons: they’re battling their own shit or they’re genuinely just a lousy friend, partner, etc. Either way, I’ve found peace in them not showing up. I don’t even bother to call or reach out to find out the why—it simply isn’t my business. I’ve learned that their absence is in no way a reflection of our relationship. This concept doesn’t just apply to missed events and milestones, but also ghosting in any form. The truth is people aren’t obligated to allow you in their energy or space. Would it be nice if they communicate that? Yes, but they don’t have to. I’m not saying excuse consistent absences, but don’t place so much value into why they aren’t there. Stop making the issue a you thing, it rarely is ever about us.


We fail to realize that the people around us are battling life, family, their environment, and themselves—why add one more thing? Them failing to show up isn’t something to take personal. Sometimes life is ENOUGH to swallow so why do we expect people to swim when they’re already drowning? Sometimes as much as people want to be there, life just won’t allow it. We have to remember that people are navigating their own shit. We don’t know if one more thing is a stressor or a trigger. Sometimes getting through the day is a task within itself.

However, when someone blatantly just doesn’t show up—free yourself. Don’t look for a why.

Sometimes people just don’t prioritize you enough to show up for you. I’ve learned that people will make time for things they want. Even with a full schedule, they’ll find a way to make sure you feel valued. One of my friends always says: If someone loves you, they’re love for you will supersede any circumstances. I agree with that phrase 100 percent. Don’t chase after people to celebrate you. Don’t wait for them to show up because they’ve proven your presence doesn’t matter so neither should their absence. Yet, I also will state that sometimes people showing up causes more harm than good. I realized that sometimes people not showing up is the best thing they can do for you. The energy they bring into a room isn’t needed or desired. They can’t celebrate you because the moment isn’t about them or the actions don’t match the words they’ve spoken to others. Be wary of these people as they usually mean us no good.

My advice? Make sure the people you celebrate and uplift can do the same. Only allow people in your space that are deserving. Don’t spend time waiting for them to come around if they purposely walk away. Be selective on who you share your time and energy with. Everyone shouldn’t get access to that and sometimes that’s the greatest gift of their absence

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