Whew Chile, let me tell you about the last two weeks of my life. They have been a whirlwind! I’ve cried, shouted, loved, but most of all discovered more pieces of myself. After launching my latest blog series so many revelations arose. From friendships to love, I was slapped with a few harsh realities: Your truth and growth will offend others, sometimes healing is in the tears you need to release, and people don’t always love you, but the access they have to you. Now, this is tea...
So, I recently got accepted into Loyola to receive my second Master’s and start a career path that I’ve always desired. Should be a moment of happiness right? It was, until I realized that everyone wasn’t happy, and they weren’t hiding the fact they weren’t. Some of the family and friends that I expected to clap for me didn’t say a word. I could feel the tension that I had done something that they weren’t expecting. I’m still looking for a few congratulations from people that I’ve supported since day one. However, it took some deep thinking for me to realize something...they don’t owe me anything. Would it be nice to receive the same love I had given? Of course, but it isn’t mandatory. Will I love them any less? Nope, but now I know where I stand. A year ago, I didn’t have my shit together. Hell, I still don’t. However, it took some deep transitioning to get me where I am now. I changed within a year, and everyone wasn’t accepting of that. I couldn’t heal in the bottom of a Hennessy bottle, or in the arms of a new guy. All of it was just a temporary fix. It took trial and error, for me to really start digging. However, once I stopped being her, and started doing the “real work”, then perspectives changed. It took me really isolating myself to really deal with life. People took that isolation period as a personal attack against them versus a healing period. I isolated myself and l discovered so much. I had been wearing rose colored glasses when it came to people, places, and other issues. I started placing new boundaries, and stopped over sharing with the world. The curtains closed, and I was left clapping for myself. Despite it all, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve probably lost connections the last few months, but none worth fighting for. Which brings me to my next point...sometimes crying is the only way to get out.
For the first time in almost a year, I had to actually deal with my feelings on opening up to someone. A few people had come into my life when I split from my partner. None of them worth actually taking serious though, or at least in my mind. I never let anyone get close out of fear of being hurt. I would ghost them, and then reappear when it worked best for me. Then, it hit me like a bag of bricks. All of these people, were great to some extent...I just never let anyone in to know It took me drunk crying, on the floor of our New Orleans hotel room to actually heal a new cut. A piece of me that I didn’t want to believed still existed was exposed. I was faced with the fact that heartbreak had made me insecure. Not about my appearance, but about the love people give me. Want to know the crazy part though? The Universe had been exposing me to that lesson all week. It had done so through exes and a not so potential love interest by the end of my weekend. One fling was upset about me walking in my truth, and it made me doubt had I done the right thing. Was it really okay for me to tell my story at the expense of them? Then, I realized I write these blogs to set myself and another woman free that I may never meet. Yet, she can always feel like she has friend when she comes to my site. Another ex got upset, because who I am now isn’t who he met a year ago. One interest had the audacity to tell me, to contact him when I’m back into men. The latest one tried to tear apart a piece of my life that made me happy. Four different guys over a span of ten years, and none of them could see past self. Yet, they wanted me to change to meet their needs even if that meant sacrificing my happiness. So, it finally clicked that they never really loved me, they loved the access to me. I cared for these guys when I didn’t know who I was. They loved the feeling I gave them. They loved who they thought I was. They loved my potential. However, all that changed as soon as I stopped being the girl they knew. Yet, if they truly loved me, then they wouldn’t be mad at my growth. They would celebrate with the same love I had given them when they needed healing. Despite it all, I discovered that a guy in my life means more to me than I initially thought. He’s proven it in small gestures that I overlooked. He may or may not be the one, but just like life...love is a gamble.
I shared all that to say this: Forget the girl you knew, this is the woman I am. I’m not staying the same to make anyone feel comfortable with who they portray to be. I know who I am, and I don’t care if that makes you uncomfortable. Love means being transparent, and I can’t do that wearing a mask. I had to realize that if I’m not losing or pissing people off then I’m not growing. I am more than worthy of the love I give, and I’m not taking any less than 100 percent of that. It doesn’t matter who claps or acknowledges you, as long as you clap. It doesn’t matter if people change their perspectives of you, as long as you don’t change on yourself. Don’t be afraid to cry or change on a whim. Nothing in life is written in stone except a tombstone. You are your only enemy, and fear is only as deep as you allow it to run. Be happy at all cost, growing up is optional, but healing is mandatory, and always find peace in your solitude...and that’s the real tea.