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Ode to the Death of Me

Three weeks ago, I found myself in middle of the floor crying. Like eyes filled with tears, on my knees, rocking back and forth crying. As some of you may know, I’m currently serving as Ms. Black St. Mary Parish. Earlier in December of 2020, we had an amazing workshop that provided me with a humble awareness of who and whose I was. My pageant sisters and brothers wrote words of inspiration as our journals were passed around. I never had the chance to open it that weekend, but here I was on a random Saturday doing my space clearing. I pulled out the journal and read the things written about me. I became so full with tears, because I am my biggest critic. I have been so hard on myself that at times I would trigger my anxiety attacks. Reading that journal was like taking a step outside my body and finally seeing myself. Its a beautiful thing to see the light that others see in you especially when it takes you a while to figure out you have one. I’ve always strived to for my character as a person to be a representation of my life when my earthly time is done. Not for the fame, clout, or recognition—simply for others to spark the light in someone else.

I cried on that floor and I asked God to use me for his will. Even if that meant changing my plans for my life. Even if that meant stepping into unknown places (major anxiety trigger). Even if that meant sending me people that didn’t “socially look or think” like me. Even if that meant losing people that I loved in past and current seasons of my life. You know the saying be careful what you ask for? Whew, it’s true!!! So much opposition came up in my life. My private life becoming public, losing a dating partner, malicious rumors, separation from the guy I really liked, people with ill intent revealed, and even some victim blaming me for my personal life choices. So many days I wanted to crack and say fuck it. Yet, I asked for my path to be cleared right? Yet, with each opposition I got up each day and said this is a distraction from my goals. The reveal was needed to show me the truth. The truth that I had been running from. Those people and places are no longer a representation of me. They have phased out and I have to let them go gracefully.

So 2020 was about the death of a little black girl who discovered her light in the darkness with her. 2021 is about a woman taking that light and darkness to show others that evolution comes wherever you plant the seed.

Necia J🦋


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