Dear Little Black Girl,
Broken things can be beautiful things if we look for the beauty within the pieces. You are the light you need.
So, I initially started this blog as an outlet to what I was going through. I had no intentions for it to be more than that. However, with each piece I felt the layers of myself becoming transparent. With each piece I was exposing who I was and who I was becoming. One of my favorite artists said that: I give a piece of me to everybody I meet, not because they want it, its because its probably a need. I understand that lyric with more intent, and I take honor in it. The hardest part of this experience is dealing with the truths of my life in the open. However, I want this blog to be bigger than my past transgressions. 2018 was the year I lost everything. January 2018 found me back at home, car less, separated from my husband, and starting a new job after being jobless for six months. When I say I took an L on every level, I mean it. I started this year shedding pieces of myself without knowing what the year would hold. All these transitions happened at once, and I found myself confused at each turn. It seemed like every month, I was learning a new lesson. From the people I was conversing with to my new career. God kept exposing my weaknesses, and I found myself getting mad each time. I was mad at my husband for his infidelity. Mad at the fact I was back in Franklin. Mad that I was back at square one. Until, it dawned on me that’s exactly where I needed to be. Patterns kept repeating themselves, because I hadn’t learned my lesson. For once, I realized it wasn’t about how others would view me. It was about me learning about myself. It took me being stripped down to open my eyes. It’s December 2018, and I’ve discovered more of myself in losing the world. More doors have opened due to me being real with myself. I still have my days like really Jesus? However, I wouldn’t change it. I had to learn to live in gratitude, and how to heal even when its easy to be the victim. This year exposed just how selfish, naive, unwelcoming, and impatient I was. Yet, it also helped me realize how humble, helpful, inspirational, and strong I can be. To know that I inspired anyone to be a little better is all I ever wanted...even at my own personal expense.
I had to learn to trust people again. I had to learn to put my heart on the line again. I had to learn to forgive even if everything in me wanted to be pissed. The biggest lesson though was not to take everything personal. I spent so much of this year being angry. I kept myself in a mental prison for months. As bad as others wanted to free me, I had to deal with my demons first. I was searching everywhere and in everyone for the answers that I only had. When all the events stopped, the liquor wore off, and the makeup came off...I was left to deal with the real shit. The shit that wasn’t so pretty or wasn’t easy to discuss. I’ve had people tell me things that shouldn’t be said by people you love. I’ve had to cut off people that I wanted in my life forever. I’ve had people put me in situations that I would never put them in. I’ve given support this year to others that I couldn’t get in return. I’ve had to pretend that I was fine when in reality I was in shambles. I had my first bought with anxiety and poor coping habits. I hit a few lows this year, but the last few months have found me freeing myself. This year was truly a metamorphosis for me. 2018 was the proof that beautiful things can come from dark places. That saying is more than ink on my skin, its my testimony. I had to find a way to get back to me. I found myself healing with each word and melody from Kehlani, Londrelle, Reyna Biddy, and 6lack. The honesty of their truths helped me reveal my own. It wasn’t easy putting my business on front street, but I realized with each melody that healing is an intentional choice. No one can hold you prisoner with your actions, if you’re already walking in your truth. You have to be dedicated to it. You have to push through it even when it seems like it won’t end. You have to want it for yourself not others. My writing and music became my therapy. Each time I picked up my pen, I was met with thoughts about how would it be perceived. All that faded when my ugly truths were met with genuine love. True healing requires tackling the problem head on with determination and grace. I’ve fallen several times only to get one step further each time. No one truly knew what I was going through beyond what I spoke of. Some people would have you believe I was distracted by other things in my life. When in all honesty they couldn’t tell you how I was feeling. I was very aware of issues I needed to fix, as I still am. I just don’t feel like that needs to be proven to ANYONE. I’ve forgiven others in the tears I cried. I’ve learned to be patient in the delays I experienced. Most of all I learned to love in my anger, in my personal solaces, and my peace. The end of this year plagued me with a prominent lesson that everything is temporary. It took two unexpected deaths for me to realize that you have to live to be bigger than yourself. It confirmed that I couldn’t live in being hurt or angry. So please understand me when I say that I will not sacrifice my peace for your sanity in 2019.
But this is for anyone in my life that needs to hear this...
If I ever hurt you, unintentionally or intentionally, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I left you in the cold, or I wasn’t the best person to you this year. I could blame it on everything else, but it would be an excuse. To the ones who need it, you have my forgiveness. I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, betraying me, or doing anything while you were healing. We’re all learning and growing, which sometimes causes us to hurt others. You only did what you felt was best at that time. Sometimes our emotions override the wisdom we have. I pray that you forgive yourself for your sanity. I can’t spend forever being angry when we all make mistakes. However, I have to know what’s healthy for my life. Don’t think your presence holds enough value that you get comfortable. Being in my life is a privilege, it isn’t a right. I owe no one the privilege of my presence either. If it requires me to sacrifice too much of myself and not enough of you then thank you, NEXT. I’m not here to be anyone’s emotional punching bag, temporary happiness, or trophy friend. I spent so many years being selfless, but this is me being selfish. I don’t care how that looks to anyone else or how it makes them feel. I was given one life and a purpose, which is my only priority. I don’t care what you think of the woman I was, I am, or who I’m becoming. Either way...you will respect her. I can’t tell you or give you a clue of this next year. I’m just confident that all the love I put out will return to me. I’m thankful for the memories I made this year along with the lessons I’ve learned and the people I’ve met. I’m thankful for the support that my mom has given me on countless days. I’m thankful for advice and shoulders to cry on from my friends that have became sisters. I’m thankful for finding a best friend in the person that hurt me. I’m thankful for my students showing me that life is meant to be explored. I’m thankful for the wonderful woman that walked into my life, and made me see more to love. Through it all I’m thankful for becoming the woman I was afraid to be. I’m not saying I’ll be a new woman this year, but I am saying I am here for what life brings.