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Mistress and the Mrs.

Dear Little Black Girl,

I pray one day that you understand you’re more than enough. I hope you never settle for a man half loving you...matter of fact, never settle for anything in life. Raise your standards, and the universe will meet you there.


I was always taught people in glasshouses shouldn’t throw stones, especially if you’re standing on both sides of the fence. I’m speaking from both past and current experience. However, these experiences aren’t concurrent in nature. These are pieces of my puzzle I collected throughout my years of dating and marriage. I never aimed to be the woman, who ruined happy or unhappy homes. I never wanted to be the woman, who laughed at another woman’s hurt. I’ve been her, and I’ve been HER. So my question is how can you do it? How can you laugh at another woman’s pain? How could you easily transmit yourself into her life from words?

So here’s your answer woman to woman. I do it because he allows it. He trust that whatever he tells me during our pillow talk will remain private. He evades his problems with me, because I don’t make it hard for him to love me. He loves the convenience of me being there when his schedule allows. He knows I’m accepting of the time he makes for me. You see I get the “happy” him that you feel like doesn’t exist anymore. He doesn’t fuss or argue with me, because our relationship doesn’t require real substance. He tells me what I want to hear and I do the same. Our relationship doesn’t require real effort. So that’s how it’s easy for me to laugh at your pain, and feel no remorse for the pain I’m helping him inflict. I know you because he believes that what you lack is found in me.

I’ve seen so many woman get attacked by other women because of how one man described her. I never fully understood why I connected so much with Sam’s Smith, I’m Not the Only One ballad. At that moment, it was just a song I was singing to pass the time on a sunny September evening. I guess foreshadowing happens outside of the pages we read though. I related to the ballad because I was her, the wife, the one trying to figure out the details of the person I loved. However, out there was the other woman, who felt like she knew me. She felt like she knew me, because the person I loved betrayed my trust. Another woman had built a case on me with the tidbits of information he gave her. In all actuality, she felt like she knew my life story. However, to her surprise he never mentioned the admirable qualities that captured his heart in the first place. It’s easy to talk about what someone isn’t doing right in a relationship when you’re doing wrong. However, it’s not easy to tell the truth of their good when your lies paint another picture. So the thinking becomes, “Let’s just tear a few pages from a chapter that I don’t like versus me reading the whole book.” Yet, that’s where the disconnect in most affairs start. We only talk about the chapter that isn’t convenient for our life at the moment. Yet, the biggest lessons come from the chapters we heal from.

At one point in time we’ve all been HER and her; knowingly or unknowingly. So who wins? They say second place doesn’t win a prize, but being first doesn’t always indicate a victory. I know so many women, who are number one and miserable. There isn’t a prize for allowing anyone to make you feel like you’re an option. Stop accepting things because it makes your life convenient. Don’t dim your light because one man isn’t secure enough to love one woman correctly. This a note to the queens, who lost their way. Pick up your crown, the world needs you. Don’t block your purpose by being a woman of convenience. Aim to be a woman of substance. Growing and evolving won’t be easy, but nothing is as painful as being stuck in a place you don’t belong. Remember who and whose you are, and the game will change. It’s not about who does it first, it’s about who does it right, life that is.



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