If I Had Written My Suicide Note...

Dear Little Black Girl,

I pray you never lay in the dark questioning if you are deserving. I pray you always see just how valuable you are to others. I hope that you don't give up on your dreams or yourself. Please don't allow this world to taint you. I promise you are more loved than you see and more powerful than you know. I pray you see just how much light is within you and that you never allow the world to take you away from that.

 

If I had written my suicide note, it would have been a shock to you. Because on the outside looking in--I have it ALL. My career is flourishing, I'm a role model, a pageant girl, and I beat the odds that society placed on me. I made it out of a town that has a habit of sucking people back in. I overcame heartbreak, grief, and being broken beyond what I thought was normal. Yet, if I had written my suicide note you would know that I didn't feel worthy of love. I blamed myself for all my mistakes and I didn't feel like people really understand me. I didn't feel like people inquired to see if was good beyond the surface. I'm the strong friend, but who saves me when I need saving? It would say that I got tired of the rumors surrounding me about my job loss and the world scrutinizing me. That I liked my body, but just not enough to cure my insecurities. It would let you know that I worried about if teaching was in my cards and that I wondered if I would find love. I blamed myself for failed relationships and that potential partners never saw me beyond the physical. It would tell you that I was sinking in grief for the last few years and that I wasn't entirely sure on how to live life without my loved ones. You would know that pink was my favorite color, SU was my alma mater, and that I enjoyed all things Harry Potter. You would know that I had a million and one ideas to bring to life. You would know that my mom and my sister were my life and my reason for achieving every goal. That I spent my free time looking at the stars and that Egypt was on my bucket list. That I really liked this guy, but I wasn't sure of his intentions or why he even waited for me. You would be overcome with the questions of how did it get this far? You would reflect on which picture started the "lie of my life", and wonder what made me do it. What was my breaking point? Why not talk to someone? If I had written my suicide note, you would know that I wasn't "okay" and that I could overcome it because I was strong was bad advice.


Yet, I'm here for one more year of life while taking it a day at a time, and I'm here to share my light and darkness.


Necia J. 5/6/2021-Bayou Teche-Franklin, La. 29 years old.

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