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Oh No, Baby! Remaining Kid Free

I’m unsure if it’s a southern thing or if it’s just the remaining boomers holding on to some semblance of the world they grew up in, but it’s still very common for older people to ask one of the world’s most annoying questions, “when are you having kids?”

If you’ve never been asked this, then please consider yourself a lucky duck. Because growing up in the southiest part of the south, I've been asked probably since I graduated from high school, when I'd pop out a little crumb snatcher. I knew from an early age that kids were very low on my list of priorities. Very, extremely low. I saw women who gave up their dreams to settle down into loveless marriages with men who treated them like shit, popped out a couple of kids with him, and then either stayed in said marriage until one or the other died OR he ended up leaving and left her with his kids and without his income.

I’m sure that doesn’t happen as much here and now as it once did, but again, when you grow up in rural, uneducated areas of the world, maybe it does. I always wanted a lot from life, and I knew that letting a guy distract me, could potentially get in the way of that. Also, it’s very rare that I like someone to begin with, once every blue moon someone will catch my eye, but for the most part my eyes are focused on one thing. The prize.

I also know who I am as a person, and that is, a selfish bitch. I’ll say it boldly and without shame. I don’t care. I like money, luxury things, and I like going places. And not to say that you can’t have all those things if you have a child or children, but I think there’s much less of it when you do. I don’t like having responsibilities. I can’t even believe I’m responsible for my fucking self. I have a dog and that’s already too much for me to handle. I don’t want to be in charge of keeping another human being alive, thanks.

I don’t want my disposable income to go to someone else if it doesn’t have to. Everyone should agree with me on this. As if it’s not already hard enough to make and save money in this day and age. Some people have generational wealth, some people get good jobs from nepotism, some people are just lucky enough to get well-paying jobs, at the moment, I'm none of the above. I will have a good, well-paying job one day. For now, though, I am a student and students usually do not have enough money to eat all the food groups, so a child is off the list since I cannot even afford fresh produce and non-canned meat.

Kids are also needy. I don’t want someone looking at me every two minutes for instruction or food or entertainment or any of the above. Go away, give me some space. I don’t mind watching other people’s kids, but as soon as the pooping and crying starts...ring ring. Please retrieve your child.

I haven’t even mentioned the countless horrors that can happen to your body when you get pregnant. You could die! Did you know that? You can die from pregnancy and child birth and some of you have children for the most despicable, ungrateful mfs I ever did lay eyes on when in actuality he should be worshipping the ground you walk on.

Aside from death, here are just a few other terrors that pregnancy can wreak on your body:

  • Tooth loss

  • Depression

  • Gestational Diabetes

  • Hemorrhoids (!!!)

  • Skin pigmentation

  • Bleeding gums

All this and then there’s the possibility that you’ll split from you V to your A and need to get stitches. I’m beyond good on that. So as natural as it is for people to have kids, I also think it’s natural to not want any at all. Fewer people want kids these days, maybe if we got paid more and didn’t have to work an obscene number of jobs, things would be different. Maybe if any child born from about 2000 till now hadn’t been born into absolute anarchy and chaos, things would be different, but they aren’t.

So please, stop asking when we’re going to have kids, because the answer may very well be, NEVER.


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