Heavy is the Crown

Dear Little Black Girl,

Do what’s right, not what’s convenient. Remain true to yourself, even if that means it’s only self. If the world can’t deal with your version of self then let ‘em kiss your ass, it’s the last thing they‘ll see when you walk away anyway 💋

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It took me months to realize that the answer I was seeking wasn’t inside the Hennessy bottle. It wasn’t in the activities or going out I was doing to ease the pain. I tried covering up that pain with makeup, new clothes, and even new behaviors. I remember getting the text asking if I was okay, or that my changes were causing concern for my friends. I lost myself all because he lost himself. However, it took losing all of me to find me. These last few months have been the best growing experiences ever. I didn‘t know if the situation broke me or I discovered who I truly was. Now, I know it was God speaking to the queen in me.

Y’all, I loved that man, even when he wasn’t easy to love. He did the same. I loved him through the bullshit, the smiles, the laughter, and the days when we just didn’t know what was next for us. I gave him some of the best pieces of me during those years all for me to look foolish in the end. I don’t know what hurt more, knowing he seeked comfort in someone else or the fact he did it to me. This is in no way a means to bash him or discredit him as a person. He’s a great man, but he just couldn't be the man I needed. You ever love someone with your whole being? Like really love? You invest in each other, create memories, share secrets, all for it to unravel before your eyes. I remember the feeling of finding out that infidelity had creeped into my marriage. It was a few days before Thanksgiving I believe, when those words dropped from his lips. I didn’t know whether to be angry, cry, or commit a murder. It felt like someone ripped my damn heart out, cut it into pieces, and dropped it on the ground with no remorse. I was like Beyoncé, what’s worse looking jealous or crazy? I rather be crazy. I fathomed what I had done to deserve this. I remember thinking that something was wrong with me. Everything was going smoothly, we were still newlyweds. It was only month six! I was the perfect wife in my eyes. Here I was a 90, and he still needed that other 10. For months, I kept up the facade that all was well. These two women had infiltrated my home, and had the audacity to come for my throne. The more we tried to repair it, the more I found myself full of hatred. I was out to hurt everyone who hurt me. I spent months being angry, and replaying the signs in my mind that I might have missed. None existed, he created the perfect movie scene. Then I had a epiphany...nothing a woman does will make a man act right. You can’t force someone to love you, be honest, or remain faithful. You can’t force a vibe that’s not there, and ultimately you can’t control another person. As I reflect, I realize that people love you the best way they know how. They love you with means and resources they have access to. I don’t know if it was a series of small cracks or one final drop to my heart that pushed me to my breaking point. I just knew I had enough, and it wasnt giving me the feeling I once craved. June 3, 2017 was the day I knew I had to blossom. It was the day I knew that I couldn’t stay. It was the day when the pieces of myself, I had delicately put together begin to need more room to grow. We may not realize it as women, but we teach these men how to treat and love us...and in all honesty they’re trying to put the pieces together to do that in a way they know how. However, that doesn’t mean stay through the bullshit. However, that doesn’t mean you accept what they’re giving you because its convenient. It just means sometimes you have to go through it to grow through it. You have to learn to bloom where you are, and most importantly you have to leave anything behind that threatens your peace. Embrace failure, it’s a stepping stone to growth. Always remain true to self, fix your crown without letting the world know it’s crooked, and leave a little black girl magic everywhere you go.

...& just so we‘re clear sidechicks aren’t winning, QUEENS are❤️✨

#sidechick #affairs #divorceprocess